Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants
by Liviania
Summary: In which Y. Bakura terrorizes underpaid employees, and eats beefy nachos without beef, while Ryou pretends he has no clue who Y.Bakura is. What is all adds up to is I'm a very scary person who needs to be locked up. RR PG-13 for mild insults and violen
1. FasTaco or 'The Beefy Nacho Happenings'

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part I-FasTaco  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: I'm evil. Anyways, this is what would happen if Bakura went to various fast food joints. In this fic, there is much chaos and flagrant use of the word McJob. No actual fast food workers were harmed in the making of this fic.  
  
Ryou=hikari no Bakura Bakura=yami no Bakura  
  
Disclaimer: Do I look like a Japanese guy to you? *points to her skinny white girl self* No, I don't think so. I don't own YGO. If you do, I'm willing to buy it. I'll give you $60 in quarters, which just about sums up my actual worldly possessions.  
  
~~^Bakura's POV  
  
The girl at the counter is staring at me. I don't like this. She's plotting to kill me! I know it! Don't deny it, you know it too!  
  
"Are you gonna order this century?" She glares at me, and spares a glance to Ryou who appears to be entranced by the menu, and avoiding looking as if he's with me. "Hurry up, there's people in line and this is lunch hour."  
  
I growl, "I'd like the Beefy Nachos, hold the beef, and a regular drink." She goes to her cash register, punching in Cheesy Nachos and a regular drink. "I want the BEEFY Nachos, hold the beef! Not the Cheesy Nachos."  
  
She rolls her eyes at me, "It's the same thing! And just ordering the Cheesy Nachos saves you twenty cents."  
  
I lean up in her face, and start screaming, "I DON'T WANT THE CHEESY NACHOS! GIVE ME THE BEEFY NACHOS BEFORE I SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM!!!"  
  
Recoiling, she speaks again, "I'm standing right freakin' here! Stop YELLING IN MY EAR! Just take the STUPID CHEESY NACHOS ALREADY!!!" She has them in her hand, sitting on a tray, looking as if she wants to fling them into my face and grind the chips into her eyes. She certainly looks dumb enough to try.  
  
"I WILL NOT! I refuse to take the CHEESY NACHOS!!! CHEESY Nachos are the source of all that is wrong with this country! Give me BEEFY Nachos HOLD THE BEEF!!!" My knife is now out and my hand is shaking wildly. I bet this girl's in league with the Pharaoh, or someone even worse. She's EVIL!!! EVIL I tell you! I want my Beefy Nachos! Hold the beef!  
  
"ARGH! You SOB! I do not do this stupid McJob for my own enjoyment! I'm trying to save you money! I'm helping you out, imbecile. Take the nachos, and call them whatever you want! Call 'em the Queen of England! Just take them, give me the money, and LEAVE!!!" Now she's leaning into my face. I think she's about to have an apoplexy or something. She's very read, and this one side of her face is twitching. I'm about to tell her she may want to go to a doctor to see about that.  
  
"Oh, yeah!" I burst out suddenly, "Ryou! You haven't ordered yet!"  
  
His chocolaty eyes widen. I think he was glad we had forgotten him standing there. The ignoring us bit and all. "Uh, I'd like a Nacho Salad Special, hold the tomatoes and sour cream, with extra beef and cheese," he mumbles, barely audible. Actually, I'm standing a few centimeters from him, and I'm only fairly sure that's what he said.  
  
"Can you please repeat that?" asks the flustered clerk.  
  
"No he can't repeat that!" I yell, as Ryou moans in the background, "Make him what he ordered. And it better be right," I hiss, narrowing my eyes at the paragon of deceit standing behind the counter.  
  
"Look weirdo, I HAVE NO FREAKIN' CLUE WHAT HE SAID!!!" She's screaming hysterically again, "JUST LET HIM REPEAT IT!"  
  
But, contrary to her words, she instantly goes back to the little set up thing and starts making something. Then she turns back to us and throws it at my hikari.  
  
"TAKE IT AND GO!" She yells at him, before turning to me, "YOU TAKE YOUR STUPID FREAKIN' NACHOS AND GO TO!" Then she turns to the back of the restaurant and screams, "I QUIT THIS MCJOB! I'M LEAVING! I'M GOING HOME AND LOOKING IN THE YELLOW PAGES FOR A PSYCHIATRIST!"  
  
Then, she leaps over the counter in one move and runs out the door crying. I turn to Ryou and say, "I didn't get a fork." He groans and just kind of collapses to the floor. Eventually he stands and goes out the door, beckoning me to follow him. I do, hoping he doesn't notice I stole his food and ate it.  
  
~~^  
  
A/N: There ya go. Pointless, ne? Well, you all know what to do with that little purple box. If I get enough reviews I'll continue! 


	2. McDonald's or 'The Whopper Incident'

Bakura Goes To Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part II-McDonald's  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: This idea is due to ajluckybob-and you too can have your ideas used, if you send them in your reviews!! A big thanks to all my reviewers! And guess what-so far, no flames! And, I may bash McDonald's slightly in this. All apologies if you love the place, I've been to a few good ones. But how hard is it to give me a Filet O'Fish, hold the cheese, and hold the tartar sauce? They never get it right!!! Not to mention the one by my house has terrible fries.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not and never have owned YGO. I'm in denial about the fact I never will. To my knowledge, I still bear no resemblance to a Japanese guy. If you know me personally, and beg to differ, I suggest you keep it to yourself before I tear out your liver.  
  
~~^Bakura's POV  
  
"You know this place once had America's favorite fries?" Ryou questions me faintly, as I drive to this McDonald's place. I was not satisfied with the food I got at the taco place. I'm pretty sure the girl just gave me the Cheesy Nachos. Oh well, we're here, and Ryou's tugging me out of the car. "C'mon, let's get this over with. If I see anyone I know I'm committing suicide." I'm pretty sure my hikari isn't in a good mood. Maybe he's really hungry too. Probably, considering I ate whatever it was he ordered.  
  
"Hello! May I help you?" the cashier smiles, and looks generally cheerful. I wonder if he realizes he works in a McJob.  
  
"This is the place that serves hamburgers," Ryou whispers softly to me before I start ordering.  
  
I don't reply, and look up at the teenaged guy clerk person. "Yes, I'd like the Whopper, with bacon please. And plenty of those little packets of ketchup."  
  
He just stares at me, and Ryou whacks his head on his hand, then goes to the wall and starts rhythmically banging his head on that. I'm pretty sure that isn't good for him. "You can punch your little buttons now. I'm hungry. HURRY UP!" I yell, because he is still just looking at me as if I dropped in from Mars.  
  
"Sir? You're at McDonald's. Mc-Don-ald's," he repeats, stressing each individual syllable.  
  
"Yeah, so special orders don't upset you. I saw the commercials, I know you hamburger places. Now give me my Whopper," I grit my teeth together. The only reason I'm managing to keep my patience is I had such a refreshing blow-up at the FasTaco girl. But this dumbbell is pushing my good nature, which is practically nonexistent. My separate good nature is still banging his head on the wall.  
  
"No see, special orders upset us because we never seem to get them right here. We have horrible management. But that isn't the big point I'm making. This is McDonald's! Mickey D's!" He's starting to steam. Maybe now I can lose my patience. If he does it first, there is no way my hikari can get mad at me for it. "You are thinking of Burger King. You can't get a Whopper anywhere but Burger King! Their jingle is the one that has lyrics saying that special orders don't upset us." He breathes deep, and looks to be fixing to say something else. But I jump the gun and speak first.  
  
"I want a Whopper." I hiss. "Give me my Whopper! This 'Burger King' you speak of-I DOUBT its existence! My hikari would have told me about it! But he said that THIS IS THE HAMBURGER PLACE! I want my Whopper," I end my speech with, realizing how much that sentence makes me sound like a whiny girl. Oh well. I'm hungrier than ten whiny girls!  
  
"We don't have Whoppers." Wow, I admire this guy. He's still steaming, but managing not to yell, scream, shriek, shout, or perform any other variation of a loud vocal noise indicating frustration. His voice does sound a bit strangled though. Why is it whenever someone's voice sounds strangled it is because they want to strangle you?  
  
"Well then, where can I get a Whopper?" I ask, trying to be jovial. I'm smiling; Ryou's got that look on that tells me I'm actually baring my teeth at the cashier person like a version of a rabid dog, or Joey when Duke or Tristan is hitting on his sister. Wait, when did he stop banging his head on the wall?  
  
"I already told you," the adolescent guy says, giving me a look like he thinks I'm some sort of psycho who's out of touch with reality. I think he knows the FasTaco girl.  
  
They're in league together, and now he is screwing with my mind! I'd run away, but I still want food. "Whoppers are at Burger King-" he starts, but Ryou (Ryou!) breaks in before he can finish, leans close, and says something I can't hear.  
  
"Just give him a Big Mac and tell him it's a Whopper. He won't know the difference; he doesn't even know this isn't a Burger King."  
  
Then he leans back, to a normal distance for the worker, and says so I can hear him, "I'll take a Chronically Depressed and Suicidal Cheeseburger Meal."  
  
"Guy's or girl's toy?" The guy asks him.  
  
"What are the toys currently?" my light asks in return.  
  
"Hot Wheels and Barbies," is his uninterested reply.  
  
"Girl's toy then." Argh! He's ordering the GIRL'S TOY! What did I do to deserve such a hikari?  
  
"OK." The kid goes back to the counter thing, and grabs some sort of wrapped up food that he hands to me. Then he takes a box with a smile on it, draws a frown on a napkin, and attaches the frown over the smile by stabbing it through with plastic forks.  
  
"Have a good day!" he calls after us as we leave, smiling again. Oh yeah. He's seriously oblivious to his McJob.  
  
~~^  
  
A/N: *winces* Ach! Well, review anyway! Input makes me a better authoress! 


	3. Burger King, Part I or 'The Lo Siento In...

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part III-Burger King  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: Two reviewers requested this, so here it is! (I know there's been a bit of a wait, but I've been busy with region.) And when you reach the review button at the bottom.you can request another chapter!!! *gasp*  
  
Disclaimer: Livi has no claim to YGO, even in this litigious society called America. If she did, she would be too busy suing the Japanese guys she does not resemble to write this fic.  
  
~~^Bakura's POV  
  
"I'm hungry," I announced to Ryou, the next day, or sometime around the next day. I'm just sure it wasn't the same day. "Let's eat burgers again!" I exclaim, remembering the happy guy from that day that isn't today that I'm pretty sure is yesterday.  
  
"Okay," Ryou sighs, going to his secret place and getting the car keys. I'm not allowed to drive anymore because of my penchant for running over helpless pedestrians. I've written to the Olympic committee to make it a sport so it will no longer be illegal, but they never wrote back. Pharaoh probably told them not to do it-or the FasTaco girl. Both of them are evil. "Come on."  
  
This place has a picture of a burger on the side, and the word's 'Burger King.' When we walk in, I look around for the king, but I don't see him. "Where's the king?" I whisper to Ryou. He looks at me for a few seconds, but never answers. "Humph, be that way." I mutter to his back, before walking up to the cashier.person. I'm not sure if it is a guy or a girl.  
  
"Can I help you?" asks the person, smiling widely and falsely. It looks like a deranged chipmunk. Or a deranged beaver. Or a deranged hedgehog. Or a deranged psychopath. Wait, aren't psychopaths already deranged? This requires serious pondering. So I start to ponder while Ryou answers the person.  
  
"Yes, I'd like a Big Kids Chicken Tender meal." He pauses and looks at the menu hanging from the ceiling. "I'd also like a piece of the Hershey's sundae pie."  
  
The cashier rings it up, and asks, "Is that all, or is he going to order too?" He jerks his thumb at me. I am confused-is that an offensive gesture?  
  
"Are you makin' fun of me?" I ask, offended, just to be on the safe side.  
  
The McJob worker seems confused, and is looking at me, head cocked to one side. "Am I making fun of you?" It has the gall to repeat me! I'm really mad now. "Lo siento [1] I have no clue what you are talking about."  
  
Now it is calling me lo siento! Whatever a lo siento is! I'll show him!  
  
"You want to see lo siento," I ask, red eyes wide. I suspect I now look like a deranged psychopath as well, "I'll show you lo siento!" I leap over the counter, and start attacking the person.  
  
.to be continued.  
  
~~^  
  
A/N: Since two people requested this, I'm dividing it into two chapters! *evil laugh* Bakura is rubbing off on me.  
  
[1] Lo siento is Spanish for 'I'm sorry'. 


	4. Burger King, Part II or 'Free Whoppers f...

Bakura Goes To Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part IV-Burger King  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: Yippee! No one hates me.Well, my next chapter is going to be just me rambling on and thanking my reviewers, but after that it will be back to business!  
  
Disclaimer: Despite the fact I played a guy for my class's skit on Klinefelter's Syndrome that does not mean I look like a guy. And it definitely doesn't mean I look like a Japanese guy. Therefore, owneth I not YGO.  
  
~~^Bakura's POV  
  
[Let's review last chapter: "You want to see lo siento," I ask, red eyes wide. I suspect I now look like a deranged psychopath as well, "I'll show you lo siento!" I leap over the counter, and start attacking the person.]  
  
Wham! I relish the delicious sound of my fist colliding with its jaw, when I feel hands grasping me under my arms and pulling. Who is doing that? I twirl to hit whoever it is to, and come rather close to giving my hikari a left hook.  
  
My hikari, who is muttering something along the lines of, "Please God, intervene. I don't want to go to jail for assault. I don't want to go to jail at all. I want my Big Kids meal. I want food. I want cashiers who it is clear what sex they are."  
  
"Are you DONE?!" I roar in his face, "I am in the MIDDLE of a FIGHT HERE!!!"  
  
"Yes!" that exclamation comes from neither of is, but from the highly evil it. I now know he is eviler than the FasTaco girl and the Pharaoh combined. Therefore, he must DIE!!! And I must kill him. Mmm.blood.  
  
"You are fighting me for saying I'm sorry!!! Lo siento, I'm sorry, that is all it means! Please don't hit me again!" Tears are streaming down its cheeks, which is annoying. But the moaning is rather satisfying. Ryou is still being Ryou-ish and holding me back. And mumbling on about assault and chicken tenders that he realizes aren't made of chicken but he likes anyway. It is hard to follow what he is saying. I'm just going to pay attention to this fight now.  
  
All the sudden, I have an idea. I grin my happy grin, the one that resembles a deranged rodent on crystal meth. "Give me all the Whoppers you have, and I won't hit you again."  
  
"Yes, yes, whatever you ask," it moans, and starts making the burgers.  
  
As we leave, I turn to Ryou. "See, me fighting is good! Free Whoppers!" I hold them up, and smile at him.  
  
"I don't know you," is all he says.  
  
I feel hurt now. All my hard work. He doesn't appreciate me.  
  
"Anyways, was that a boy or girl?" I ask him.  
  
~~^  
  
A/N: Author's block.oh well, forgive me dear readers. And don't forget to REVIEW!!! Or I'll get free Whoppers from you! Even if I don't like Whoppers! 


	5. Livi Speaks, Part I or 'Insanity in Cont...

Bakura Goes To Fast Food Restaurants  
Part V-Livi Speaks! And a short bit of action!  
By Livi {ania}  
A/N: OK, just author chapters are no longer allowed, so there will be a  
bit of story at the end of this. ^_^  
ajluckybob:  
You were my first reviewer! *sobs* And you gave me the first  
suggestion.everyone bow to her for chapter 2! I'm happy I've improved your  
Spanish skills! *shudders* Ugh, I'm sitting through Spanish class for  
something.  
Isn't it wonderful??? Free Whoppers for everyone! (Disclaimer: Livi does  
not actually have the financial means to back this up.)  
Shadow Ishtar:  
Thank you for all the wonderful reviews!!! You've reviewed all my  
chapters, and I'm happy to have such a loyal reviewer!!!  
^_____________________________^  
KaibaLoather:  
Sad to hear you hate Kaiba.less rabid fan girls to contend with though!  
*offers medicine for the hurt jaw* Of course, I think laughter is supposed  
to be the best medicine.X_X  
dRaGoNgUrL1:  
Yay! You find me funny!!! ^^ That helps my self-esteem so much!!!  
Natacha*aka Natasia:  
*grin* I love that line too.glad you enjoyed it!!  
FasTaco girl: Livi, you owe me serious therapy.  
Livi: You do realize I'm studying to be a psychiatrist?  
FasTaco girl: @_@ Nevermind.  
Retaw:  
Aw, you haven't reviewed me since the first chapter!! *sadness* HEY  
EVERYONE: Read Retaw's story, 'Dreams Do Come True'.it's awesome.  
Seriously.  
DaRk-MaGiCiAn:  
Okies, he went to Burger King even if he didn't order a Happy Meal! I  
thought that would just be too similar to chapter 2. But I hope you  
enjoyed what I did with Burger King. ^^  
fazy:  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Request again! Forgive me everything.*sobs brokenly*  
Please. Loved the review! And yes readers, this was the other Burger King  
source, who didn't exactly get her way with the results.o.O.  
Sydney; Artist, Author, Psycho:  
Great name!! ^^ Glad you enjoyed my story.I enjoyed some of yours!  
Dark Magician Girl / Hikaru:  
Cute fanfic! Glad you enjoy mine also!!! ^______^ You are one of my most  
loyal reviewers.Thankies so much!  
Misura:  
You always give me such helpful and encouraging reviews!! I really  
appreciate it.BTW, I do have another Yu Gi Oh! story. It is called Put Him  
outta My Misery. And it needs more reviews.currently the amount I'm  
getting for it gives me misery.  
Sour Schuyler:  
Thanx for the review!! *happiness* So many people actually like this!  
Lome Roquen:  
Lo siento is the official espana Spanish for 'I'm sorry.' But, like  
English, pardon and lo siento are interchangeable:  
Person 1: "I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said."  
Person 2: "Pardon me?"  
Person 1: "Lo siento, yo no (I forget the verb for to do) que tu dices."  
Person 2: "Pardon."  
Kate Lynn:  
OMG! EVERYONE READ HER STORY THE BROKEN VICTORY! It is the best Riddle  
fic I've read on ff.net yet.it is absolutely, beautifully done. I love it!  
^__^  
yami koibito:  
I know what you mean!!! *big smile*  
2cute4U!:  
Great idea! Guess what.it is going to be chapter six! ^_______^ Cool, eh?  
Argh! I lost someone's review.and it was where I got the idea to insert  
Spanish in the first place! *screams in terror*  
Disclaimer: No, Livi doesn't own YGO. She owns a TV. Well, technically,  
her mom owns it, but she gave it to Livi as a gift.and I think that holds  
up in a court of law.  
~~^Play POV  
{zoom in on two white haired boys sitting on a couch before a coffee table,  
watching TV}  
Bakura: I'm hungry.  
Ryou: (groans, loud) (whispers) Why me? Why me Lord? *bangs head on  
table*  
Bakura: *stares* *shrugs* I thought I was the insane one.  
~~^  
A/N: Review! 


	6. Pizza Hut, or 'The Starbucks Revolution'

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part VI-Pizza Hut  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: This was requested by 2cute4U.and I did my best to fit it to their actual request! ^_^ Go me! I'm so pathetic! Since it has been so long since my last update, I'm trying to do all three requests I had today.the invention of coffee was a very good thing.  
  
Disclaimer: Livi will own YGO when pigs fly. *watches Livi try to shove a pig out a window* Uh, Livi, you might want to try a lighter pig. *frowns* Um, no animals were hurt in the making of this fic?  
  
~~^Bakura's POV  
  
Apparently pizza is the sum of twenty-first century culture. Ryou's friends seem to worship it, anyways. So Ryou finally gave in, and is taking me to have pizza, after I begged and begged for it. It seems he no longer trusts me in places that sell food. This highly offends me.  
  
"Okay, Bakura, it's our turn to order.please don't do anything," he pleaded softly with me.  
  
"Me? I have never done anything in my lives." I put on my best innocent expression. It hurts; not even my dear hikari trusts me. I stride up to the cash register (striding is such fun!) and order, "I'd like a pizza, and a coffee."  
  
The clerk, who this time is obviously male, blinks. What is it with clerks and blinking at me?! Is that all their training is? Blink at your customers to prove the idiocy that drove you to take a McJob in the first place??? "We don't sell coffee here. This is Pizza Hut." And what is it with places not selling stuff to me? This is getting annoying.  
  
"Haven't you heard? Starbucks is everywhere, and they sell coffee. I want coffee with my pizza!!! GIVE IT TO ME!!!"  
  
The guy waves his hand in front of his face, as if to insinuate my breath smells bad. "Where would you get an idea like that?"  
  
"Him," I say simply, gesturing at Ryou, who is blinking at me as if he is a clerk. Must check into this blinking conspiracy.  
  
(Flashback)  
  
Joey talking too loudly, "Ryou! We brought you some coffee! Mocha! It's like a Starbucks revolution! They're everywhere! Absolutely everywhere!  
  
Honda, "Yeah, tell me about it."  
  
Joey, "I am."  
  
I asked them what Starbucks was, and they stared at me. (Now that I think about it, those two would be prime candidates for cashiers.) "It sells coffee," they told me in unison.  
  
(End Flashback)  
  
"Actually, Joey and Honda told me." I nod proudly, glad I remember correctly. Not like that stupid amnesiac pharaoh.  
  
"You listened to them?" Ryou asked me, cocking one eyebrow, and then looking at the cashier personage, "Just give us two medium pizzas, one Hawaiian and one pepperoni with olives."  
  
"What is pepperoni?" I ask Ryou as the clerk goes to get our pizzas.  
  
"An animal that once roamed freely across the vast ranges of America, but was butchered for the love of grease."  
  
I have no clue what that means.  
  
~~^  
  
A/N: I think Bakura was OOC in this one, I'm not sure. Mmm.coffee. Oh, the book The Woman in the Wall by Patrice Kindl inspired the pepperoni thing. 


	7. Chickfila, or 'Beef is Good and Sadistic...

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part VII-Chick-fil-a  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: I'm not on the net, so I have no idea who requested this. I just remember the Chick-fil-a part.  
  
Disclaimer: Pigs do not fly; Livi is not a Japanese guy. Hey, I rhyme! *does happy dance*  
  
~~^Bakura's POV  
  
I think Ryou still doesn't trust me. I mean, c'mon. I didn't even get in a fistfight with the Pizza Hut blinking guy! And I only yelled once. So now I'm sulking. Hmph, mean hikari.  
  
"You messed up our pantry on purpose, didn't you?" Ryou sighs as he passes me. (I swear I didn't know throwing a bucket of water in there would ruin the food! Don't you believe me?) "Now we have to go out to eat."  
  
"Where?" I ask, putting on my second best innocent face. I don't want to look to eager.  
  
"Chick-fil-a.just let me order for us when we get there," Ryou instructed me.  
  
When we got there, I stood to the side, looking at the weird cow thing.encouraging people not to eat beef! "No.beef," I whisper, from sheer horror. "Ryou, they don't sell beef here!" I yell in panic.  
  
"I know," he hisses at me, trying to simultaneously keep smiling at the cashier, "It is a chicken place. Hence the name Chick-fil-a."  
  
"How can you people live without beef?" I ask, still scared out of my wits, to the entire restaurant, of which the patrons are blinking at me. (Conspiracy! I know it! Now just who is the root of this evil? I know too many roots of evil to even guess!)  
  
"Dude, we can eat beef other nights of the week," a girl with short blood-colored hair tells me. "What is so special about cooked cow to you anyways?"  
  
"WHAT ISN'T SPECIAL ABOUT IT???" I yell at her, "I mean, do you know the tortures those cows go through?" I ask her. Now my eyes are starting to glaze over, as the mental pictures twirl through my head. "Oooh, pretty."  
  
"Our food is ready," cries Ryou, his voice too high. "Let's go," he tugs on my arm and thanks the girl for distracting me, and asks how she did it.  
  
"Oh, I'm the authoress and this is just a self-insertion."  
  
"Okay," we say in tandem, and go on our way. ~~^  
  
A/N: Uh, that sucked. Don't blame me, blame my self-insertion self. *nods* Uh.yeah. Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants 


	8. Long John Silvers, or 'The Meaning of Mo...

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part VIII-Long John Silvers  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: Requested by fazy! Yeah, we have Long John Silvers in TX.I order a number two with Dr. Pepper ^^. Yum, grease.  
  
Disclaimer: Livi has already proved she doesn't own YGO. Why must I keep saying this?  
  
~~^Bakura's POV  
  
As the door opens, the smell of grease is overpowering. And I notice the alluring sign on the wall, in bright blues and yellows.  
  
FISH TREASURE CHEST  
  
Two fish fillets, A dozen jumbo shrimp, Two hushpuppies, Two crab cakes, Fries and a drink!  
  
All for the low price of $3.99!  
  
I was in yami heaven (not that I'm sure that exists). It was a smorgasbord of greasy fried undersea delights! I'm pretty sure I'm drooling. And my hikari is completely oblivious to the wonder of the world that is the fish treasure chest special. More fool, him.  
  
For once I was ready to order. "I'd like a fish treasure chest!" I tell the woman working the counter excitedly, red eyes gleaming. An opportunity like this is too good to pass up! She's giving me a dubious look, but at least she isn't blinking at me. Maybe the conspiracy has been broken at last! No, that would be too good to be true.  
  
"I'd like a number two, with Dr. Pepper," my hikari states, grinning from ear to ear. I think he's happy that I ordered by his pathetic and boring standards. I mean, what is the fun in ordering like a normal mortal?  
  
Although, I got bored out of my mind the next few minutes. We had to WAIT for our food. Can you believe it? I think I furthered the woman's view of me by leaping upon my food when she sat it in front of me.  
  
"YES! Greasy goodness!" I cried happily, inhaling my food in all the time it took Ryou to eat his two pathetic fish fillets.  
  
"Do you want my hushpuppies and fries?" he asked me nervously, eyeing the remains of what had been a fish treasure chest on my tray and clothes.  
  
"Why not?" I asked happily, taking his tray and pouring the food down my throat, when I suddenly stopped.  
  
"Uh, Ryou?" I asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I feel sick."  
  
~~^  
  
A/N: Please don't kill me. Please. This chapter is also based on a special my mom once ordered, not realizing how much food it was, and a guy who was in my sister's driver's Ed class. He got a 128 oz. drink for 64 cents at the Shell station, and drank it in less than an hour. o.O. Yeah, he got sick. Review, boost my horrible self-esteem. 


	9. Sonic, or 'The Fangirl Appears'

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part IX-Sonic  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: This took me forever...sorry, but I had a lot of school stuff and no requests. Bad combination.  
  
Disclaimer: I just saw a pig fly! Oh wait...that was a piece of hot dog high schoolers were tossing around. *sigh* Livi is still a plain American girl without any ownership claims to YGO.  
  
~~^Bakura's POV  
  
My hikari has foiled me. Since he drove us to Sonic, I can't order and therefore I can't screw things up. I truly hate him sometimes.  
  
I mean, what's the fun in just getting your food without any sort of hassle?  
  
Oh, wait...here's the scarily perky waitress girl. She reminds me of the Burger King guy—y'know, in McJob denial or whatever the official name for it is.  
  
"Hey ya'll! Here's your grilled cheese Wacky Pack and number three with number two burger! That'll be...um..." She hands us the food and reaches for a calculator, but unfortunately looks at us first.  
  
Gluggluggluggluu... She's making some sort of weird noise that I think is supposed to be an approximation of rational speech. "Yes?" Ryou asks cautiously, looking at her as if she's, well, me.  
  
"Oh, my God!" she exclaims, sounding like the girls in the beginning of that song, Baby Got Back. (Yes, I have discovered the joy of working the radio! Much to my hikari's dismay I have not quite figured out the secrets to these 'volume buttons' he speaks of.) "You're the Bakuras!" She squeals it as if she's just discovered the secret to life, not the secret of our name.  
  
Uh-oh...I think I recognize that starry-eyed look...  
  
Run, Ryou! Put your foot to the gas! Don't bother to pay, or just chuck the food out the window!!! Hurry...it...it...it's a FANGIRL!!!  
  
...to be continued  
  
~~^  
  
A/N: Yes, I have turned the tables on our two protagonists! It's their turn to be tortured! Food workers strike back, with their secret fangirl techniques!!! Mwahaha! 


	10. Sonic, Cont or 'The Fangirl has Peppermi...

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants  
  
Part X-Sonic, Cont.  
  
By Livi {ania}  
  
A/N: Another chapter that took forever, and after I left ya'll with a cliffie! So very sorry... And, a bit of scariness, someone who actually knows me in un-cyber life now has my authoress name. I gave it to her, but now people who know me can read this! (Gomen, having paranoia attack here...)  
  
Disclaimer: Pigs aren't flying, not even the ones in Animal Farm, which I happen to just have read for school. I still resemble a typical American teenager, and not some Japanese guy. Therefore, I don't own YGO.  
  
~~^ Bakura's POV (Surprising, ne?)  
  
A review from last time: Run, Ryou! Put your foot to the gas! Don't bother to pay, or just chuck the food out the window!!! Hurry...it...it...it's a FANGIRL!!!  
  
And now, this time:  
"Omigod! Omigod, omigod, omiGOD!" Her bouncing, cheerleaderiness is distracting...suddenly; instead of wanting to eat I want to puke. Or ralph, vomit, spew, blow chunks, technicolor yawn...whatever happens to work for you. But no, food has suddenly left my mind.  
  
"Ryou!" I scream in utter panic, not caring about the fact I now sound like him. Maybe some time to ourselves really would do us some good. His eyes have a distant, glazed look, and I think he's in shock. He really is delicate. His system just isn't wired for these kinds of surprises. "The clutch! Shift! Shift!" Suddenly, I am no longer using the word that refers to a piece of equipment on a standard but one that refers to the state of the situation where the waitress is touching our car!  
  
...and the window is still open!  
  
I am more scared that I have ever been in my life.  
  
The conspiracy of all McJob employees everywhere has reached a head...so why is it that I'M the target? I wasn't that bad of a customer! So I drove one to the psychiatric ward! (Yes, it turns out Miss FasTaco never recovered. Ryou found this out while watching the news, and told Bakura who was never concerned about this fact until now.)  
  
I mean, you can't just lean over and take control of the wheel or anything...oh why, why, why do I have such an easily shockable hikari?  
  
She's still leaning against the car! And squealing the 'Omigod Chorus'...and she's asking us if we want extra peppermints!  
  
"Wah...WTF lady! Why in the world would you suddenly start asking if we want...wait! Yes, we would enjoy extra peppermints! LOTS of extra peppermints!" I grin and nod in that maniacal way only I can quite pull off. I think Ryou is rather jealous of it. I'm not sure. You know, Ryou really needs to work on showing his feelings. I went to an anger management class, and of the three types, he is a type B. He stores his feelings inside, and hides his anger. But anger is a natural occurrence, and you must learn how to use it not only effectively but successfully.  
  
ARGH! THEY'RE BRAINWASHING ME!!!  
  
Wait...what's happening! Yes, Ryou has recovered from shock! He's throwing too much money out the window at the fangirl and stepping on the gas! Free at last! Free at last! Thank the lord, we're free at last!  
  
"Ryou?" I say, softly and with a light smile.  
  
"Yes?" he replies, looking at me suspiciously.  
  
"We're never going to Sonic again. Ever. I'm scarred for life."  
  
~~^  
  
A/N: Oh yes, I do not own MLK either. That was, well...horrible. I know it was, so you don't have to salve my wounded pride. I don't have any. The shift thing was inspired by my sister, who in an automatic kept muttering, "No shift," not that it sounded like that... ^_^ The anger management class section was all factual, and if anyone is wondering I'm a borderline Class- A, or violent anger. I scored highest as a Class-B, much to my mystification. I have no problem sharing my anger. Oh yes, chearleaderiness is not a word, though it should be. 


	11. Quiznos, or 'Livi Gets Off Her Lazy Butt...

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants

Part XI-Quiznos

(Or, Livi gets of her lazy something-or-other)

A/N: Sorry for the long wait—I can only hope that the quality of writing in this chapter improves. It's been awhile, and I sure hope my skills have grown somewhat.

Disclaimer: Livi doesn't own most anything in this chapter.

Bakura's POV

Ryou likes proverbs, for whatever reason. The reason that's relevant is I heard this thing about guilt being a wonderful motivator.

Personally, that sounds like crap. I was never motivated by my guilt.

…Wait. I didn't have any.

My point—yes I have one, shut up—is that I have discovered the true source of motivation. Hunger. (Yes, you can bow before me now, pathetic mortal.)

"Hikari," I whined. (You too would resort to whining if you were as hungry as I am.) "Food. Now. There's nothing left in the fridge."

"How can there be nothing left in the fridge?" Ryou questioned me, frowning.

"ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?" Due to certain parts of our minds being shared, I have attended many a boring English class. Karmic repayment for my anger management, probably. Who says the gods don't have a sense of humor? Due to this mundane practice, I have picked up the highly useful skill of rhetorical questions. Annoyance is almost a better motivator than hunger.

Yes! My show of creepy yami darkness combined with the rhetorical has caused Ryou to succumb! Here I come, food!

Hikari and I entered a small place called Quiznos, which looked a touch abandoned except for a young McJob worker.

(A/N: I hate interrupting…but my newfound maturity is not going to affect my batting the word McJob around.)

Instead of doing the standard, "Can I help you?" routine, the guy just stood there, staring past both of us.

Maybe someone else got to him first and sucked his soul out of his ears.

…I wish I could've seen it. Someone needs to teach these McJob punks a lesson. They're getting pretty cheeky. And stuff. (I shudder to remember the Sonic girl. Tater tots just aren't the same anymore.)

Hikari will never get up his courage to approach, so I do it. "I. Want. Food. Take my order."

Glazed look.

"Or die," I add. For good measure only, of course. I wouldn't do it, really Ryou, don't look at me like that…I'm supposed to be the scary one.

"What would you like then?" he asks, dosing his voice with sarcasm, "We sure serve a bunch of crap here. We make it hot too." He makes a weird little laugh.

I /look/ at him.

I mean, first Ryou takes my scariness, now this guy is taking my creepiness…

Is my personality on sale today or something?

"What crawled up your butt and died?" I ask, curious. Then I get a flash of idea. "Wait, did you go wading in the Amazon without those tight rubber wader things? And then one of those fish that will do anything to get excrement swam up? But no…those things can't get back out without cutting you with their fins. Butt-fish are deadly."

Stares, from the other two people in the building.

Have I regained my sparkling personality?

"Quiznos is going out of business. We can't even afford to pay the people who do our cash register service."

"We care…why?"

"You don't, unless you're in love with our food. But it means I'm out a job soon, so I could care less about customer satisfaction."

Darn these unmotivated teens! There need to be jobs lower than McJobs! I want competent cashiers, not lazy little!

I also want some comestibles.

It is time for the Shadow Realm.

"Yami, you didn't!" Ryou exclaims, whirling on me. His brown eyes say he isn't happy.

"No one can tell the difference." You really couldn't. I skorry over the counter, and take up sandwich materials in my rookers. "Food?"

A/N: Guiltmotivation can be found in Cerulean Sins by Laurell K. Hamilton, the eleventh in the Anita Blake series. Butt-fish do exist. Oh the things you learn in debate. Quiznos is going out of business in most places—Radiant Systems (provides the electronic services for most restaurants) has them on a cash only basis because they so often are unable to make payments. To explain the second to last sentence, I just finished A Clockwork Orange. It kicks butt, and for some reason I just flashed back to it. I doubt Bakura is that well read though. Any suggestions for the next adventure?


	12. Which Wich or 'Why Literacy is Important

Bakura Goes to Fast Food Restaurants

Part XII – Which Wich

Or, 'Why Literacy is Important'

By Livi Ania

A/N: I left ya'll hanging a long time, no? However, I've had this particular adventure in mind for almost half a year. Sorry. Being funny is hard . . . so is finding relevant facts to toss in. Do ya'll like the random facts aspect?

Disclaimer: I am young, white, female, and below the average income. Somehow I don't think I own YGO. If anyone is willing to sell it to me, I might not say no.

* * *

Bakura's POV

Apparently Ryou thinks I have problems interacting with humans. You think he'd understand that humans have trouble interacting with me. That Quiznos guy was asking to be Shadow Realmed. And hey, that sanctimonious Pharoah hasn't found out about it, so it's all good.

His 'solution' is taking me to this Which Wich place. It's very . . . yellow. And the tables are filthy. Where's the McJob worker in charge of busing the tables? I could persuade him to do his job better. All I need are salad tongs – heck, the management should pay me for my encouragement.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, I'm staring at a wall of paper bags. I fill one out with my order, Ryou pays, I never say a word to the cashier. Unless he gives my hikari a hard time. Then I go Dirty Harry on the underpaid punk.

"OW! Why did you elbow me?"

"You're supposed to be behaving," Ryou hisses at me, desperately.

"I AM!"

"I saw that smirk. You're planning something! Please just get your sandwich and let us have a nice night out for once. I haven't eating anything I didn't make in weeks! If fast food were oranges I'd have scurvy!"

"Fine," I grumble, choosing a bag. Egg salad sounds yummy. All those babies, never getting a chance at life . . . it's like an abortion on a sandwich. Hikari tried to tell me something once about those eggs not being fertilized but I ignored him like I usually do when he's trying to interrupt my fun.

"Look, Bakura, you can draw a picture on the back of the bag so you know where your sandwich is in the line!" he tells me, smiling with way too many teeth. His bag features a drawing of an adorable Kuriboh. I draw the Dark Magician using the Kuriboh in some arcane experiment. . . . Ryou looks a bit paler than usual. I didn't know that was possible. It's fascinating. I need to make this happen more often. . . . But I'm not sure what I did.

Pout firmly in place, I follow him to the counter, remaining silent. I really do want my dead baby and mayo sandwich. Then we wait, until I am finally able to partake of the ultimate in deliciousness!

My first bite is huge, filling my mouth with the oh-so-satisfying taste of, of, of CRAB?!

I tear forward to the counter, snarling at the woman responsible for making the sandwiches. I can feel my eyes burning with rage. "THIS IS A SEAFOOD SALAD SANDWICH! I ORDERED EGG SALAD! CAN'T YOU PEOPLE READ!!"

Ryou begins to react, but it's too late for these illiterate fools. I'm doing a favor for future generations. "PENALTY GAME!"

I hear him mutter sadly in the background, "They didn't get my order right either."

All the more reason to make them suffer. They ruined my hikari's fail-safe solution! How dare they!

Suddenly, someone walks in the door.

It's . . . Seto and Mokuba Kaiba?

"Aren't you slumming?" I question, briefly ignoring the business at hand.

He frowns slightly, the most emotion I've seen him show in a month. "Mokuba likes the egg salad."

* * *

A/N: That sucked. Hope ya'll like it anyway. Salad tongs as torture instruments are, as always, inspired by Johnny the Homicidal Maniac by Jhonen Vasquez. Clint Eastwood is Dirty Harry. Yes, the eggs you eat weren't fertilized. You aren't eating abortions. No, this is not meant to represent my stance on abortion in any way, shape, or form. It's a humor fic. This is for my neighbor, who actually enjoyed the seafood salad sandwich but prefers the egg salad.


End file.
